Sunday, November 7, 2010

It Gets Better ~ Devyn Burton

I'm not sure how I want to open this week. I've asked a few friends to go out of their way to share their personal stories with you all. One thing I noticed with the whole "It Gets Better" campaign is that apparently it only "gets better" for the LGBT community.

I wanted to draw together friends to show you that it gets better, not just for one community but for us all. And the thing is every person regardless if they would like to admit it or not has thought of harming themselves in one way or another regardless if they have any intentions of doing anything.

You see depression is a funny thing, it can attack us at our highest points in life and clearly at our lowest.

If you don't know who I am already, it's okay I wont be offended. But since this is my blog I'll tell you about myself and how I know it gets better. I've had three very life altering events in my life, each time I thought I'd have no where to turn but in the end it did GET BETTER!

When I was twelve I awoke unable to get out of my bed, extreme pain and slimmer than you could ever imagine. Testing lead to a horrible fact, I was diagnosed with Lupus (SLE), which is basically a disease that sees the body as a horrible virus and tries to kill it.

Who would want to live with a life altering disease, you're better off dead, right? Wrong! It does get better.

When I was seventeen I feel in 'love' with one of the most beautiful girls in my high school. I'm not going to lie, I still think she is beautiful but in a different context. You see, something I don't speak about much is sexuality, because I'm still working my way through mine and trying to find who I am as a person.

To think that I didn't love this girl beyond a friendship was devastating to me. I grew up in a Mormon lifestyle until the age of Nine, it was already drilled in my head Love is for a man and woman anything else is an abomination in the eyes of God. That fact alone still makes me struggle with religion, regardless what I am told.

Even though I struggle with sexuality and religion--It got better!

The most recent occurrence in my life happened not too long ago. Forcing me to take a hiatus from the internet in general. I'd forgotten about all of the positives of my life and the darkness creeped it's way into my life. I'd never felt that alone in my life and at one very deep point honestly believed that maybe I'd be better off dead.

I don't want to go into details of that whole situation, I just wanted to say I've been there I know how it feels to be completely alone. But I had people on my side who cared, people who without even knowing it helped me survive through that time. I had friends collect me from the house I was staying at, I think I stayed with them for about a month straight. I'd read a few amazing books. Received a fan message, which I still find a bit amusing. Talked to a friend who had lost a very good friend to suicide. All of these factors made me rethink everything, maybe I should stick around to see what life brings.

You see if I'd given it at any of those moments my life wouldn't of had the chance to get better. When I was diagnosed with Lupus I was given a laptop--which let me write and express myself through short stories and blog posts. When I started questioning sexuality I picked up Tithe by Holly Black, which lead me to the internet world full of authors. When I thought I was alone in the world the It Gets Better Project popped up--and I knew that it does get better.

If I'd killed myself I wouldn't be here telling you that It Gets Better. I know for a fact that it does. I still have dark moments in my life, but now I've learned if I wait them out my life does get better.

I hope someone can read this and connect with some part of the post and honestly feel from what I've said that it gets better. I love each and every one of you and I honestly mean that with all of my heart.

Devyn Burton

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
The Trevor Project - 1-866-488-7386 - A national confidential suicide hotline for gay and questioning youth.

Graphic by Jeremy West. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love you, Devyny Devyn.